What were they like, the final minutes of his life? Was he resolute, calm, even liberated, as he hovered between life and death? I imagined him swimming to the surface after eons of holding his breath. Astonished by the details of the moment. The vanilla smell of pine bark, the peeling paint on the deck […]
In my hands I am holding a small green leather bound book that was published in 1929. The title is engraved in gold letters on the front cover. The corners are slightly dented and the front edge is ragged as if each page was carefully torn. I open it up and feel myself tumbling through […]
A week had passed since her father died and I wasn’t sure I had seen Chloe cry. While her brother and I spilled our emotions all over the house, Chloe quietly rolled her eyes at us. At bedtime I started giving them extra long snuggles. “How’s it going, honey?” I asked carefully. “Good,” she chirped […]
December sunlight sliced through the french doors and fell in a swath on my kitchen island. Having just come home from taking the kids to school, I dropped my keys next to the sink and inhaled the silence of the empty house. Another day of rushing Rowan through his morning routine had me on edge. […]
Two years after our divorce the phone rang. It was Carol, the wife that came before me. “Listen, I’m having lunch with Randy and he’s freaking out,” she said. “What kind of freaking out?” I asked. “He says he wants to die. He’s sobbing on the table. Should I take him to the hospital?” “Yeah, […]
The days turned colder as we approached Thanksgiving. My mother had arranged a family trip to a dude ranch. I worried about how Randy might act in front of my parents and brother. “I’m not going to Arizona,” he had announced a few days before we were to leave. “The last thing I need right […]
All night long I kept waking up to the sound of a roaring engine and the beep beep that construction vehicles make when they are in reverse. It permeated my dreams. It echoed off the hills. It yanked me headlong out of sleep and threw me into the wilted pillows time and again. It was […]
The second hand tracked its wide orbit around the perimeter of a large clock on my bathroom wall. It felt like a watched pot. I shifted my eyes toward a pregnancy test sitting next to the sink. Within its small window, a test strip was conversing with my urine, while I eavesdropped. Finally, it delivered […]
I wasn’t sure whether it was a biological directive or a spiritual urge, but for as long as I could remember I had wanted a baby. This yearning lived somewhere beyond rational thought, beyond societal pressure or family obligations. It was drawn into the blueprint of my identity, and it defined my sense of purpose. […]
The swollen sun amplified the brilliance of turquoise, yellow and orange storefronts in Oaxaca that Christmas. I was thirty-one and along with my relatives on my mother’s side, had rented a villa with a central courtyard, where we gathered daily. I was still under the impression that I had the perfect family. My grandfather sat […]